Monerogenesis
Theory
Keep in mind, that
although this article is titled as "theory", it is as factual as
facts get. This is a record how our species came to be. You can toss all that
Darwinism BS out with the rest of the riffraff. Modern science has shown that
he was using the most impure form of PCP available anywhere in the New World
when his was staring at birds, but that's another factual theory for another
factual day.
Now, try to read
this theory to the tune of the Big Bang Theory opening theme. I bet you can't,
especially because I won't format it to make it easy for you:
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| A Typical Medium Aged Bacterium |
This Earth was
formed from randomly flying and hilariously colliding space bullshit
around four and a half billion years ago, a date which I frequently think
will have increased since I last referenced it, but never seems too. Lightning
struck some mud, coacervates were formed, and life sprung up in the form of
microscopic bacterium. For billions of years, these bacteria propagated and
lived as fulfilling lives as they could muster under the tyrannical reign of
the Sun. Until the year 1974, when all of the bacterium evolved at once. When
this evolution event took place, the bacteria had different ages, hence
referred to as bacterial age. A difference in age on the order of mere
microseconds became the difference in the near instantaneous transformation
into a six year old man and a 46 year old man, while differences of seconds
made the difference between a man and a cow and a 15th century Gothic structure
Western Europe. The youngest of these bacteria transformed into disgusting
bacteria. They were the same as before, but now were the kind with little hairs
all over them.
Events before that
occurred before the year 1974 are one of two phenomena:
Shared bacterial
memories. Some imagined human events have a counterpart that did occur in the
primordial world of bacteria. For instance, the moon landing was actually the
bacteria to human memory evolution of the first bacteria to summit an undersea
coral formation that was several meters higher than the surrounding coral
formations. So I suppose in a way you could say
that the moon landing wasn't fake.
The second force
behind these made up events is why I inform of this factual theory today:
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| Indisputable Evidence of a Government Cover-up |
There exists a
shadow government the rules over us with evil and tyranny rivaled only by that
of the Sun. This government lies to us to hide the existence of our bacterial
past, while conspiring with the disgusting hairy bacteria to revert all of
existence back to its bacterial form. As I type this in my underwear,
experiments are being conducted jointly with the bacteria at a secret
underground base that the Air Force for some reason operates under Groom Lake,
Nevada. The have already succeeded in making people much hairier than they
would have been otherwise. Using my own means and expenses I have even gathered
photographic evidence of these experiments in the form of very blurry and
underdeveloped photographs. The end goal of this conspiracy: to once again make
all life subservient to the Sun. However, there is a way to stop this plot.
Among all of the
allies and evil organizations the bacteria have formed, none is more vital to
their plot than the EPA. Almost all lifeforms require a supply of nitrogen to
respirate properly. Optimal performance requires a one-hundred percent
concentration of diatomic nitrogen present. However, the bacteria require a
wretched chemical covertly referred to in secret experiments as
"oxygen". Oxygen deprives normal organisms of full functionality, as
well as reduces human life spans by up to six-hundred years. The EPA is all
that stands between us, a healthy atmosphere, and the destruction of an evil
plot to rejuvenate solar subjugation. So I say, dismantle its ass.
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| Method of Atmospheric Ejection |
As a side note the
next sudden bacterial evolution is expected to (as is certainly will) occur in
the year 2035, at which point all life on Earth as well as other random objects
will be thrown into space in a mechanism similar to the bouncers Sonic the
Hedgehog uses to get to elevations that would normally be unreachable without
the presence of strip of land that curves gently into a vertical wall. At this
time, a new generation will begin. The question is, how will they remember us?
As heroes, or as slaves to the largest concentration of mass in the Solar
System?
